FOR HELL IS HOLO AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY
by Heartwings
Summary: Harry accidentally activates Voyager's ECH Emergency Command Hologram and it has the hots for Kathryn a fun romp for one and all, especially TOS fans!


**Title: For Hell is Holo and I Have Touched the Sky - VOY J/C**

**Author: Heartwings PG 13 for language & suggestive dialog, but nothing graphic.**

**Length: 14,060 words**

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount, I just have ideas they didn't.**

**Thanks to Al Hartman for the beta and the inspirations!**

**FOR HELL IS HOLO AND I HAVE TOUCHED **

**THE SKY**

**Chakotay brought Kathryn a cup of coffee and joined her on the sofa in her ready room. "Kathryn, I am not so sure about this idea of yours to turn the ship over to the 'kids'."**

"**Don't be silly, Chakotay, I am not going to simply hand over the keys and leave; I intend for the senior officers to supervise them and we're only talking about Harry, Tom and Vorik. You've seen Seven's report, the next six weeks look like they will be as dull as a one of Tuvok's poetry readings; there isn't even so much as a rock out there for them to run into. Unless we give them more responsibility, we won't know if they can handle it and this is the perfect situation. I will make it clear that they are to perform routine functions only and must consult with a senior officer before they decide to rearrange the furniture. I'll be watching Harry like a hawk, but I really think he can handle it and I know you'll shadow Tom and B'Elanna is going to be on Vorik running Engineering like spots on a Talaxian."**

"**Harry does a fine job running the gamma shift; it will be interesting to see how he does running the whole ship on a day to day basis. I think Tom will do OK, in fact I'm just worried he might do my job better than I can!"**

**Kathryn laughed. "Not a chance, Chakotay, and don't think you can shirk your more important duties like getting me coffee, making home cooked dinners for me and massaging my feet. There are some things on this ship that only you can do!"**

"**I'm glad for that, Kathryn! With them doing all those endless mundane reports and Starfleet busywork that we have to do, we should have a lot more free time, shouldn't we?"**

"**Uh huh." replied Kathryn as she sipped her coffee. She put it down on the table and smiled. "Now, just what are we going to do with all that free time?" **

**Chakotay put his arm around her and smiled back as he leaned over to nibble her earlobe. "I can think of a few things, Kathryn."**

"**Well, before you pierce my ears again, why don't you go give Tom and the crew the good news and send Harry in here so I can see if his collar can hold up four pips?"**

"**Aye aye, Captain," said Chakotay as he left. **

**Kathryn took a seat behind her desk and gathered a huge stack of PADDs on the center of the desk. The door chime sounded. On her command Harry entered and stood before her desk, straight, but not quite at cadet review inspection straight. "Mr. Kim, I believe it is customary to stand at attention?"**

**He immediately snapped to full attention as nervousness set in. The captain had rarely insisted on such formality before and Harry was sure he was in trouble. "Yes, Ma'am, Captain, Ma'am! I'm sorry, Ma'am!"**

**Kathryn rose from her desk and slowly walked to stand in front of Harry, her best command face in place. "Mr. Kim, do you feel up to accepting a bit more responsibility?"**

"**Yes, Captain!" he replied.**

"**Good," said Kathryn as she took three of the pips from her collar and fastened them to Harry's. "For the next thirty days you are going to be the acting captain of Voyager, Mr. Kim, and I expect you to run this ship properly. Of course you must consult with me before making certain command decisions as you did while running gamma shift, but other than that, Voyager is yours. I have outlined everything on a PADD for you and will be watching you very closely." Kathryn returned to her desk and handed Harry a PADD. **

**He looked at it briefly and smiled. "Thank you, Captain, I'll do my best!" he said as he proudly stood at full attention.**

"**I expect nothing less, Mr. Kim. Of course, as acting captain, you will be expected to complete all the reports and inspections and so on that I usually do; Starfleet loves their paperwork! There are daily and weekly reports for all departments - inventories, evaluations, logs, supply and cargo manifests, schedules, disciplinary reports, ship's status, project and research progress reports ….." Kathryn went on as she kept handing Harry PADDs, loading him up with as many as he could possibly carry. "Oh, and don't forget that the captain's monthly report is due in ten days. I haven't had a chance to start it yet, but I'm sure you'll be able to get to it." With that, she added another PADD to the stack, wedging it between Harry's chin and the huge stack of PADDs in his arms. **

"**All of this, Captain? You have to do all these reports?" Harry queried as he juggled his armful of PADDs to keep from dropping them.**

"**No, Harry. YOU have to do all of them! You didn't think I sat around on my butt and drank coffee all day, did you?"**

"**No, Ma'am!"**

"**Good. If you have any questions, just speak to Commander Chakotay or myself. Now I suggest that you get out there; you have a ship to run, Captain Kim. Dismissed."**

"**Yes, Ma'am!" Harry exited the ready room hopping on one foot as he used his other knee to keep all the PADDs from falling. Chakotay entered as Kim left and burst out laughing as the doors slid shut.**

"**Kathryn, you should have seen the exasperated expression on Harry's face. What did you do to the poor kid?"**

"**Nothing, Chakotay, I just taught him the most important skill that a Starfleet captain can have."**

"**Being able to carry forty eleven PADDs at once?"**

"**No, being able to tap dance and juggle at the same time!" replied Kathryn with a sly smile. Kathryn removed her jacket and tossed it aside. She seductively removed Chakotay's as well and put her arms around his neck. "Come here, since we don't have anything to do right now, I have plans for you, Mister!"**

"**Kathryn!" Chakotay replied in amazement, "I thought you said we couldn't do that in your ready room?"**

"**You're absolutely right, let's go into my washroom."**

**Her reply startled Chakotay. "There's hardly room for one in there let alone for two. Maybe we should go to your quarters?"**

"**Nope, we definitely have to do it in there and I just can't wait, Chakotay!" said Kathryn as she picked something up off the shelf and sexily sauntered into the washroom. "Aren't you going to join me?"**

"**When your hips move like that, you give me no choice, Kathryn; I'd follow that cute backside of yours anywhere. Hell, Tuvok would even follow it! Now, what's that you've got behind your back and what do you want me to do with it, hummm?"**

"**Fix the sink, Chakotay."**

"**Huh?"**

"**It's a tool kit, we're going to fix the sink. The damn drain has been clogged up for three days now. While we're at it, the door isn't working right either; I got stuck in here the other day, so that needs to be fixed too."**

**Chakotay took the tool kit from her, tossed it on the floor and grinned. "I have a better idea, let's just call maintenance and go back to your quarters and I'll fix you just the way you like to be fixed. Trust me, Kathryn, I have all the right tools."**

"**Very funny! You just keep that 'tool' where it is, Commander! I put in a maintenance request three days ago; you know how slow they are with so called 'non-essential' things."**

"**Gee, Kathryn, maybe you should complain to the captain about that?"**

"**Humph! Are you going to help me or do I have to go get the 'new' first officer and see if he can squeeze in here and help me?"**

"**Here's the wrench, Kathryn, you get going on the sink and I'll pull off this access panel and see what I can do with the door." **

**Unfortunately Kathryn wasn't as good at plumbing as she was at captaining and shortly she had the tiny bathroom flooded. They tossed out their soggy boots and socks and decided to just go it barefoot, using the towels to sop up the mess. Chakotay had to keep the door shut in order to work on the mechanism and the small washroom soon felt like a sauna. Janeway's com badge chirped, "Kim to Captain Janeway."**

"**What is it Harry? I'm kind of busy right now." she replied while lying on her back under the sink, fighting the drain pipe with a wrench which wasn't the right size.**

"**Sorry to bother you, Captain, but I have a question about the monthly report. I noticed that you have never performed the required check on Voyager's Emergency Command Hologram system and I was wondering if there was a reason for that? Do you want me to check it, Captain?"**

"**Simple, Harry, we don't have one beyond what the EMH is working on, so there's no need to check it."**

"**We don't?" Harry replied in disbelief.**

"**No, apparently there were some significant bugs in the program, so it was never installed. Look back, there's a memo from Starfleet somewhere about it; I'm sure of it."**

"**Uh, yes, Ma'am, but it looks to me like the program is there, the original one Starfleet installed at Utopia Planetia."**

"**Trust me, Harry, it isn't. If we had an ECH, I would have taken a vacation years ago!" said Kathryn as she grunted trying to loosen the drain pipe. She accidentally kicked Chakotay, who thumped against the wall, dropped his hyper spanner and groaned in pain. "Sorry, Chakotay, I'll roll over and maybe you'll have more room for that big tool of yours. Was there anything else, Harry?"**

**Struggling to keep an even tone to his voice after what he had just heard, Harry quietly replied "No, Captain, sorry to have bothered you. Kim out." Unfortunately the com system had picked up the sound of wicked laughter echoing throughout the bridge before Harry closed the link.**

"**I wonder what they were laughing about?" asked Kathryn.**

"**I don't know, probably one of Tom's sick jokes. Hey, did you bring a tricorder in here? I need to test these circuits and figure out which one is causing the problem." said Chakotay as he tinkered with the door mechanism.**

"**There's one in my desk. Oh, and while you're out there, do you think you could bring me a cup of coffee?"**

"**Great, first I'm a maintenance technician and now I'm a waiter! Damn, the door won't open. Kathryn, help me with this, it's stuck."**

**She put down her wrench and tried to help Chakotay pry the door open. "Well, now you know how I got stuck in here the other day and don't think I didn't hear you laughing at my predicament from your seat on the bridge. Tom just sort of lifted it up from the bottom and jiggled it and it slid right open, but that's not doing the trick now."**

**Chakotay threw his hands up in defeat. "Well, why don't we just call Tom to come and do that again? I can't get it open and, look, now my hands are all greasy with this black gunk." He flashed a devilish grin at Kathryn and smeared the gunk all over her face and front.**

"**Chakotay, you bastard, I'll get you for this! The sink doesn't work, how am I supposed to wash this stuff off? We can't call Tom to get us out of here; how would it look if he found us locked together in my washroom? Rumors would be all over the ship faster than a red alert. Here, take this metal rod I used to try to ream out the drain and see if you can use it to pry the door open with."**

**Chakotay took the rod and started trying to pry the door open as Kathryn put her shoulder into it and pushed, hoping to make enough space to slip the rod in between the door and the jamb. **

"**Kim to Janeway."**

"**Oh gods, what now? Keep at it Chakotay." Kathryn hit her com badge. "Janeway here, what is it Mr. Kim?"**

"**Uh, Captain, we have a problem out here."**

"**Well, we have one in here too. Chakotay, that's as wide as I can get, shove your rod in and push. What's the problem, Harry?"**

"**Uh…" Harry blushed, "I think you had better get out here, Captain."**

**Kathryn could hear shouting and arguing in the background and realized that something was indeed amiss on the bridge. "I'll be right there, Harry! Oh, hurry up, Chakotay! Oh, oh, …… I'm coming!" She and Chakotay grunted and groaned and, with a mighty effort, finally got the door to slide open. As it did they both lost their balance and fell to the floor. "Get up off me, Chakotay, and help me up. I'll be right there Mr. Kim! Janeway out. Chakotay, I'll take care of whatever's going on out there, you stay here and see if you can get the sink fixed."**

**Kathryn ran straight for the door without thinking about what she looked like. She was wet and sweaty from working in the stuffy little bathroom and her usual bun of steel now looked more like a tangled mass of wires going in every direction. Her face and the front of her un-tucked gray pullover were smeared with handprints of black grease, thanks to Chakotay, and she hadn't bothered to put her soggy boots back on. Kathryn stormed onto the bridge and abruptly came face to face with Harry's problem. "Who the devil are you and what are you doing on my bridge?"**

**The figure took a good look at her and laughed. "Is that any way to address an admiral, Ensign …… ?"**

**Not remembering that she had given Harry three of her pips, Kathryn stood on her toes, attempting to get in the "admiral's" face and retorted. "I'm not an ensign, Mister, I'm the captain of this ship! Now, who the hell are you and what are you doing on my bridge?"**

"**Cute little thing, isn't she?" he said as he patted Kathryn on the head and smiled at Harry Kim. Harry shook his head. If there was one thing that he knew, it was that messing with Captain Janeway was surely more dangerous than putting a fully charged phaser to your head and pulling the trigger. **

"**Ohhhh, well I never……..!" said Kathryn as she firmly planted her hands on her hips.**

"**From what I heard, I'd say that you and your boyfriend in there just did, Ensign!" he interrupted as he and the entire bridge crew quietly snickered.**

"**Mr. Kim, report!" Kathryn barked.**

"**Uh, well, Captain, it seems that we do have an Emergency Command Hologram after all and you were right about it having lotsa bugs in the program. You wouldn't happen to know how to shut it off, would you, Ma'am?"**

"**Computer, end ECH program." Kathryn waited and nothing happened. She repeated the command, again with no results. She went to the command console and intently worked to shut down the program, again without success. She looked at Tuvok, who shook his head, indicating he was unable to terminate the program from his console either.**

**The ECH sat down in her chair and crossed his legs. "You can keep trying, but it won't work; I'm completely autonomous and I like it here. By the looks of things, if you really are the captain, you certainly do have an emergency here and need my help. Admiral James T. Kirk, Emergency Command Hologram, at your service. Captain Kim, who is this foxy little redhead with delusions of grandeur and …… aren't you a little young to be a captain, son?"**

**Kathryn didn't give Harry the time to respond. "I'm Kathryn Janeway, Captain Janeway, and I am the captain of this vessel! Your program was obviously initiated by accident; there is no emergency here, so I suggest you get the hell out of my chair and shut yourself off, 'Admiral'!" Kathryn crossed her arms and stared him down.**

"**Sorry, no can do, Ensign Janeway." Kirk looked back at Kim and asked incredulously. "Is she really …… the captain?" Kim nodded yes. "Would you care to explain why the 'captain' on this ship is barefoot, has red toenails and looks like she just had a roll in the hay with a grease monkey?"**

**Kathryn's patience was wearing thin. "For your information, I was trying to fix my sink!"**

**Kirk smiled and rolled his eyes, "Oh, is that what people are calling a little 'friendly fire' nowadays?" Paris took a break from making calculations on the payouts from the betting pool long enough to snicker.**

**Janeway ignored Kirk. "Mr. Tuvok, Mr. Kim, I am going back to my ready room. When I come out I expect to see that arrogant annoying doomsday machine of an ECH has been deactivated. As for you, Kirk, if you ever set holo foot on my bridge again, I will personally rip out your matrix and beam it into deep space. Do I make myself clear?"**

**Kirk stood and patted her on the shoulder. "She's cute when she's angry, isn't she?" Fortunately no one dared to answer him. As Kathryn turned to leave he pinched her on the rear.**

**She thought to smack him, but realized that would be rather pointless with a hologram. "Shut it off, NOW!" Kathryn shouted as she stormed off to her ready room. Chakotay came out of the washroom as she entered the ready room. Kathryn hugged him and started laughing. "Oh, Chakotay, would you believe I was just goosed by Admiral James T. Kirk himself? I guess I was wrong and Voyager does in fact have an ECH, apparently a blasted old Kirk Mark I - ECH, and Harry activated it. It won't deactivate for some reason, but I'm sure they'll be able to take care of it; obviously there are some very serious glitches in the program. If he is anything like the real Kirk was, it's a wonder his crew didn't kill him. He's lecherous, condescending, ten times more rude than our EMH and at least a hundred times more annoying than Neelix! What's that you've got hidden in your hand?"**

**Chakotay laughed smugly. "He goosed you? The legendary Admiral Kirk pinched your fanny? On the bridge, your bridge? In front of the crew? Oh, Kathryn, that's so funny, I'm just so sorry I wasn't there to see it." She threw him a look that was dangerous enough to end his teasing. "Good news, I got the drain unclogged and your sink put back together; it works fine now. Let's go curl up on the couch and I'll show you just what, or better said who, caused the problem." They settled on the couch and Chakotay gave Kathryn the hug and kiss she desperately needed. "Kathryn, by chance has Naomi used your washroom recently?"**

"**Yes, she was here one afternoon a couple days ago, why?"**

"**Well, this is what was in the drain!" Chakotay said as he handed something to Kathryn.**

**She laughed hysterically "Oh my heavens, it's Trevis!"**

"**Yup, the little guy was wedged down in the drain pipe snug as a Ferengi and his latinum. I guess you'll have to tell Naomi that, from now on, the bridge is off limits to all action figures? Um, Kathryn, I just noticed that you've only got one pip on; please don't tell me the other three are somewhere in the plumbing."**

"**No, I lent them to Harry for the month. Oh, no wonder Kirk kept calling me 'Ensign' and wouldn't believe I was the captain! Jeez!"**

"**Well, Ensign Janeway, seeing as I now outrank you, I want to give you a few orders." Chakotay pulled Kathryn close and whispered in her ear.**

"**Aye aye, Sir! Computer, engage privacy lock." she said as she giggled, slid onto his lap and locked lips with him. "Ohhhh Chakotay………..!"**

**Kirk overrode the privacy lock, entered Kathryn's ready room, sat at her desk and put his feet up on it. Kathryn and Chakotay were so "busy" that they didn't hear him. He watched them for awhile and finally cleared his throat and spoke, "You might call that 'fixing the sink', but where I come from that's a lap dance, Janeway!"**

"**Ahhhh!" Kathryn screamed as she thumped to the floor, pulled her shirt down and stood up. "How the hell did you get in here?"**

"**I let myself in; you didn't think a little thing like a privacy lock would stop a hologram, did you? Speaking of stopping, you two can feel free to go back to what you were doing, I was rather enjoying it, but you might want to introduce me to your uh…plumber there." **

"**Kirk, get your fucking feet off my desk and get out of here now! Computer, end ECH program, authorization Janeway pi alpha!"**

**Unable to comply.**

"**Forget it, I told you I was autonomous. You can run your ship as you see fit, you just can't shut me down, Janeway. I see you somehow managed to get your ship stuck all the way out in the Delta Quadrant, so you obviously need my help. Too bad you didn't activate me sooner, or you might not even be in this predicament."**

**Chakotay stepped in front of Kathryn and spoke. "It wasn't her fault we ended up here, Kirk! She is the captain and she has ordered you to deactivate yourself, so I suggest you do so; we don't need you."**

"**Tsk tsk, an admiral trumps a one pip captain and a plumber every time. Now, if you two can tear yourselves away from swapping spit for a few minutes, maybe we can figure out how to get this ship back to the Alpha Quadrant." Kirk rose, moved to stand in front of them and reached out to touch Kathryn. "Janeway, what was your first name, Katie or Kathy?" **

"**It's Captain and keep your hands off me, Kirk!"**

"**Now now, is that any way to talk to a holographic legend?" Kirk chided.**

**Kathryn turned to Chakotay; they walked a few steps away from Kirk and spoke quietly. "Chakotay, please go down to engineering and see if you can pull the plug on that photonic phallus over there. I'll try to keep him in here and off the bridge, but please hurry, I'm not sure how long I can stand him."**

**Chakotay looked at her with concern. "Kathryn, I don't like the way he looks at you and speaks to you, maybe you shouldn't stay here alone with him? Perhaps I should send in Tuvok."**

"**I want Tuvok's brain out there working on the problem. Don't worry, he's only a hologram, I'll be fine."**

**Chakotay departed for engineering. Kirk took a seat on the sofa and patted the cushion next to him, indicating that Kathryn should join him. She ignored him and went to the replicator, rubbed her aching temple and commanded: "Coffee, black."**

**Unable to comply.**

"**Computer, coffee, black, NOW!"**

**Unable to comply.**

"**Computer, this is Janeway, authorization pi alpha, coffee black, NOW!"**

**Unable to comply.**

**Kathryn went to her desk and started pounding furiously at her computer. Kirk rose from the sofa. "It won't work, Janeway, I've disabled your replicator access and I wouldn't bother trying to use the com system either. Don't worry, you still can use your command codes and run the ship, but of course you are locked out as far as making any changes to the ECH system. As long as you behave yourself and it suits me, I'll let you keep your other privileges, Sweetie Pie."**

"**We'll see about that!" she retorted as she continued working. She tried every trick she knew, but was unable to get the computer to recognize her. "Kirk, give me back replicator access, now!"**

**Kirk smiled, "Did anyone ever tell you you're cute when you're angry?"**

"**Well, I'm about to get a whole lot cuter, Kirk, so I suggest you give me back my replicator access."**

"**I will, on one condition." Kirk said as he returned to the sofa.**

**Knowing it was probably foolish, Kathryn asked anyhow, "What's that?" **

"**Come and sit here by me and let's talk; it's lonely at the top, you know, even for a hologram, and your crew doesn't seem to be the least bit friendly. If you do, I'll get you a cup of coffee and restore your replicator privileges." Kirk smiled as he patted the cushion next to him.**

**Kathryn weighed the decision, she could either spend hours trying to outsmart an ultimate computer override made by an ECH with the combined experience of dozens of the best Starfleet captains or she could engage in a little small talk with an obnoxious hologram and get a steaming cup of coffee. "I'll be right there, and I take my coffee black." Kathryn sat next to Kirk and pasted on her best fake smile. He scooted over closer to her; she slid farther down the sofa. "So, um ….. where are you from, Kirk?"**

"**See, I knew you could be nice, Katie! Please call me 'Jim'. I'm from Iowa, where are you from?"**

"**Indiana, and I prefer to be addressed as 'Captain', thank you."**

"**Now, now, do you want that cup of coffee or not? Be nice, Katie, talk to me." Kirk slipped his arm around her.**

**Kathryn started to remove his arm, but she thought about the coffee, maybe even a double espresso mocha latte, and smiled. "So, read any good books lately?"**

"**Well, considering I haven't been activated in years, no. Last book I recall reading was ****Diary of an Orion Slave Girl****, pretty good, have you read it?"**

"**No." Kathryn replied tersely.**

"**I didn't think so; your bun's wound a little too tight for that sort of thing, isn't it? I bet you would look real nice with your hair down, Katie." Kirk began to remove her hairpins, but Kathryn pushed his hands aside. "Ah ah ah, Katie, be nice, like you told plumber boy, I'm only a hologram."**

**Kathryn relented, she could almost taste the coffee. "So, tell me about that thing with the alien probe and the whales." Kirk released her hair and smoothed it down her back.**

"**I'd much rather talk about you, Katie." said Kirk as he tightened his grip around her shoulder and nuzzled her neck. She tried to pull away as she felt her lunch on its way back up. "Not so fast, would you like a regular coffee or an espresso, humm?"**

**He's only a hologram, Kathryn she thought to herself as she turned her head away, looking like she had just tasted a spoonful of Neelix's Talaxian leola root surprise. Kirk tightened his grip and trailed kisses down her neck.**

"**Kathryn!" Chakotay exclaimed as he walked in. She jumped up and went to him.**

"**Chakotay, why is he still here; couldn't you shut him down?"**

"**No, we couldn't, he's somehow got his power grid routed through every integral system on the ship. I thought you'd be helping, but, by the looks of things, you were busier trying to turn him on than to shut him down."**

"**Don't be ridiculous, Chakotay, I was just trying to umm …… bribe him."**

"**His hands were all over you, Kathryn! What, if he got a little piece of you, he'd give us back the ship?"**

"**Not exactly, Chakotay."**

"**What then?"**

"**Well, the bastard's revoked my replicator privileges; he said he'd give me coffee."**

"**So, you let him have his way with you for a freakin' cup of coffee?"**

"**Chakotay, it wasn't like that, you're overreacting!"**

"**I know what I saw, Kathryn!"**

"**Lover's quarrel?" Kirk butted in.**

"**You, you damn…….., you stay out of this! Chakotay, let's go down to sick bay and talk to the Doctor, maybe he has an idea how we can deactivate Admiral Asshole here." She turned back to Kirk. "You stay here and stay off my bridge! ……. Oh, please, make yourself comfortable Admiral, and might I have that cup of coffee now? A deal's a deal!" Kathryn half smiled as she put her hair back in place.**

**Kirk smiled back. "Sorry, Katie, that 'Admiral Asshole' remark was uncalled for; granted I have been called worse. Maybe if you feel more like chatting when you get back and can lose Chak the plumber here, we could talk about that coffee. I bet you would look real cute in a little red mini dress…..with some black boots with tall stiletto heels and a bee hive hair do. See what you can do to fix yourself up, Katie."**

**Kathryn and Chakotay checked in with the bridge crew, who had no progress to report, and headed off to sick bay. Kirk had routed himself through every integral system on the ship, or so it appeared, and the only apparent way to shut him down would be to shut down the entire ship, which was not an option. They hoped that the Doctor, since he was a hologram himself, would have an idea of how to get rid of Kirk. They explained the problem to him and he looked at the information on Chakotay's PADD and shook his head, for he had no ideas either.**

"**Have you tried merely deleting his program?" the Doctor asked.**

"**Yes," Kathryn replied, "but he has disabled my command functions- everyone's, so we can't delete any integral programs. In fact, I can't even operate the replicators."**

"**Oh my, that is serious!" exclaimed the doctor in mock horror.**

"**Trust me, Doctor, it is." replied Chakotay. **

**Kathryn had an idea. "Doctor, do you think you could come up to the bridge and make friends with him, seeing as you're a fellow hologram and all, and maybe you could convince him to transfer his program back here to sick bay with you? Kirk is arrogant and annoying and he's distracting the bridge crew and me especially; we really need to get him off the bridge ASAP. He either has to be there, in sick bay or one of the holodecks and I am not about to take up a holodeck with him."**

"**Captain, usually I find sickbay to be just this side of paradise,  
but it sounds like you're asking me to baby-sit the hologram from hell!" protested the Doctor.**

"**No, Doctor, I'm ordering you to. Consider it an errand of mercy." Kathryn replied.**

"**Well, when you put it that way, Captain, after you." The EMH replied as he indicated the doors. **

**The Doctor, Kathryn and Chakotay returned to her ready room, where Kirk was stretched out on her sofa reading a PADD. He didn't bother getting up as they entered.**

"**Miss me, Katie?" asked Kirk. He waved the PADD in the air. "Say, you're not as dull as I thought; this little bit about the bathtub, a hot oil massage, whipped cream, a black lace teddy and some restraints was pretty interesting!"**

"**What?" Kathryn gasped as she snatched the PADD from him, confirming that he had dared to read her diary. She put on her captain face and announced to the Doctor and Chakotay "He was reading some awful Orion novel! Admiral, I thought you would be interested in meeting our EMH, seeing as you have um……so much in common." **

**Kirk and the EMH began chatting and it was soon evident that the two did have a lot in common and enjoyed one another's company. At the Doctor's invitation, Kirk transferred his program to sick bay and Kathryn and Chakotay heaved a sigh of relief.**

"**Thank goodness!" Kathryn exclaimed, "I really was thinking about shutting down the whole ship just to get rid of him!"**

"**You weren't the only one!" Chakotay replied as he picked up the PADD Kirk had been reading. "Say, Kathryn, that really was your diary he was reading, wasn't it?"**

**She snatched the PADD from him and hung her head. "Give me that! Yes, I'm afraid so. I thought I had the thing so well encrypted that nobody could get into it, but obviously not. I just wonder how much he read; that's pretty personal stuff in there!"**

"**I'll say! Kathryn, Honey, we've never done anything like that with the whipped cream and restraints and all. Quite frankly I never figured you for anything quite that um …… unusual. I know it's none of my business, but were you writing about you and Mark?"**

**Kathryn laughed. "No, definitely not; Mark was pretty boring in the bedroom and lactose intolerant to boot. It was just a dream I had, that's all, a silly dream."**

**Chakotay grinned. "Was it me in the dream, I hope?"**

"**Yes," she sheepishly confessed.**

"**Kathryn, the bath, the massage and the whipped cream sound good and I definitely like the idea of a black lace teddy on you, but I don't know that I'd ever be comfortable putting you in restraints."**

"**Who says it was me that was wearing them?"**

"**Oh, ….. Ohhhhhhh! You kinky little minx! Care to tell me about some more of your dreams?"**

"**Definitely not! I'm starving, lets go to the mess hall and get some dinner and then we can go back to my quarters and take a fresh look at everything and see if we can come up with a way to pull the plug on Admiral Kirk. I want to have a chat with Harry first, he feels awful about what he did and thinks I'm going to throw him out an airlock. I need to reassure him he was only being thorough and did nothing wrong; I should have been aware that Voyager had an ECH."**

**Chakotay put his hands on Kathryn's shoulders. "Good idea, the crew's calling Kirk 'The Wrath of Kim', Harry's pretty upset over the trouble he thinks he caused. Kathryn, I'm sorry about what I said a few minutes ago. You're right, I did overreact."**

**She put her hands on his shoulders and smiled into his eyes. "Apology accepted. Don't you ever doubt for so much as a nanosecond that I love you, Chakotay. Kiss and make up? Mmmmm!" **

**Kathryn and Chakotay had dinner and returned to her quarters. Fortunately the EMH reported that Kirk was safely ensconced in sick bay and they were, in fact, having a wonderful time. Thankful for small favors, they sat on the couch and began looking over B'Elanna's latest report on the ECH situation.**

**Chakotay spoke. "I don't know how he did it, but Kirk has managed to route his power grid through every system on the ship and it appears he is the only one who has the authority to change that. B'Elanna says that, short of ripping out conduits, there is no way to shut him off; if we cut him off one place, he has dozens more. I suppose that we should just be thankful that his programming isn't so corrupted that he's doing things that would damage Voyager."**

"**Agreed," said Kathryn. "The only thing he has actually done is to make a minor course correction, one I should have made myself. It seems that the fail safes are still in place and, the crew doesn't obey his orders anyhow. We still have full command code access to run the ship, except for shutting down or altering his program and using the replicators and com system of course. It's just his personality subroutines that are messed up and the fact he can't be shut off. As a captain he is fine, but his personality leaves a lot to be desired. Actually, from what I have heard about the real Kirk, the holographic Kirk isn't too far off. Apparently Kirk was arrogant and insubordinate, to the point of being demoted, and enjoyed bedding down as many women as he could."**

**Chakotay looked at her with concern. "Well, as long as he doesn't add Kathryn Janeway to the list!"**

"**Fat chance of that happening, my dear! Anyway, I doubt Starfleet saw fit to make him, you know, 'fully functional'."**

"**I'm not so sure. After all, Starfleet did see fit to use Kirk as the default option for the Mark I - ECH and I certainly wouldn't put it past him to add a few subroutines! I tried changing his subroutines to another appearance, but of course he's overridden our ability to make any changes to his program, even to give him a better looking toupee. Do you want to go over these specs on the ECH again and see if there is something we overlooked?"**

**Kathryn shook her head then rubbed her eyes. "No, I have a throbbing headache and I've looked at those specs so many times I think I could recite them from memory. I'm really tired; I think I'll just take a nice hot bath and hope things look better in the morning. Computer, prepare a hot bath, selection Janeway three."**

**"Unable to comply."**

"**Aargh!" Kathryn screamed. "That damn ECH changeling Kirk is killing me!"**

**Chakotay pulled her to him. "Relax, Kathryn, you can still fill the tub manually you know. Let me do that for you and maybe I could give you a message, to get rid of that headache? Where do you keep your black lace teddy?"**

"**Chakotay, I just want to take a bath and get some sleep and, I'm sorry to say, I don't really have a black lace teddy, my dear. If I'm lucky, when I wake up Kirk and my headache will both be gone!"**

**Chakotay prepared a bubble bath for Kathryn and left, sensing that she needed a little time alone to sort out her thoughts. Kirk's override of the replicator controls did not allow her any wine or soft music to enhance her bath, but Kathryn settled into the tub and closed her eyes, glad for the soothing effects of the hot water at least. She soon drifted off into a light sleep. The brush of lips against hers gently woke her and she nuzzled back. "Mmm, Chakotay, I thought you left?" Kathryn realized that the lips didn't feel quite like Chakotay's and she opened her eyes and shrieked "KIRK!" as she bolted up in the tub and, thinking better, slid back down beneath the bubbles.**

**Kirk smiled as he trailed his hand through the bubbles. "Hi, Katie, I like your tub and I like you even better wet and naked. Looks like there's room for two?"**

**Kathryn gasped. "Kirk, how did you get in here? There are no holo emitters in my quarters……and don't you get any ideas about getting into this tub; get out of here, NOW! Janeway to Chakotay!" Realizing the com system no longer recognized her, Kathryn knew she really had no options; she was up to her neck in hot water, both literally and figuratively. She pounded on the wall, hoping Chakotay might also be in his bathroom and hear her. "Chakotay!"**

"**I doubt that will do much good, Katie." He reached into the water and pulled out a Flotter tub toy she had knocked off the shelf when he startled her. "What's this? You're kinkier than I thought Miss Katie! Your diary didn't say anything about any tub toys, well except for golden boy."**

"**Give me that!" Kathryn snatched the Flotter away and threw it at him. "That belongs to Ensign Wildman's daughter; I let her mother bathe her in my tub and she left it here. Keep your hands out of the tub and get out of here, NOW!"**

**Kirk chuckled. "Katie, Katie, I don't think you're exactly in any position to be making any demands of me, are you?"**

**She thought, and smiled. "I suppose you're right, …… Jim. Well, as long as you're here, we might as well enjoy it. Do you think you could scrub my back? I'd really like that, so why don't you join me?"**

**Kirk smiled and Kathryn detailed just what she had in mind for the rest of the evening. She slid forward in the tub to give him room and handed him the soap and back brush. As Kirk slid in behind her, Kathryn shoved him into the wall and bolted from the tub. She grabbed her robe and ran out of her quarters, gasping for breath, and ran right into Chakotay.**

"**Kathryn, what happened? I heard you yelling and was coming to check on you; I can't use the com system either. My gods, you're half naked and sopping wet! What are you doing out in the corridor like this? Here, put your robe all the way on. What…"**

**She interrupted Chakotay as she caught her breath and tried to pull herself together. "That bastard is in my bathtub!"**

"**How? That's impossible! Why don't you come in my quarters and I'll get you dried off and we can…."**

"**No, I'm going straight to sick bay to ask the Doctor some questions; Kirk had his mobile emitter, that's how he did it. Come with me, the Doctor has a lot of explaining to do!" Kathryn and Chakotay headed straight for sick bay and, by time she got there, she was still wet and twice as mad. **

**She barged in. "Doctor, would you care to explain….who the hell are you?"**

"**Leonard McCoy, M.D. I'm your new EMH, or rather, just a metamorphosis of the old one. Now, what seems to be the problem, Captain?"**

**Janeway sank onto the bio bed, not believing that a bad day could now be so much worse. Chakotay sat beside her. Tossing protocols to the wind, he put his arm around her and whispered reassurances into her ear. Kathryn suddenly stood up, blushing. "Doctor, how did you know I was the captain?"**

"**Well, who else would you be, Captain Janeway? I can see you have a headache and I'll get you something for it …… and some towels. Kirk just changed my appearance and added some personality and bedside manner subroutines; do you like them?" She nodded as she took the pills he offered. The Doctor looked at Janeway and Chakotay. "I'm still the doctor you know and love, and don't worry, doctor-patient confidentiality applies. I didn't see a thing!" he said as he winked at them.**

"**Thank heavens for that," Kathryn replied as she grinned at Chakotay. "Doctor, what can you tell me about our problem? Have you made any progress; do you have any idea how to get rid of Kirk and how the hell did he get your mobile emitter?"**

**McCoy replied sheepishly, "Well, I was showing it to him and explaining how I got it and how it works and he grabbed it, transferred his program to it and ran out. Obviously without it I couldn't follow him and he has disabled the com system it would appear, so my only choice was to wait here until someone came by so I could warn them that he was on the loose. I'm afraid that he finds you quite attractive, Captain."**

"**Lucky me!" Janeway lamented as she toweled her hair. **

**Chakotay spoke up, "Doctor, have you spoken to B'Elanna? Have you come up with any ideas?"**

"**Yes, she and Vorik stopped by earlier and they may be onto something, but they need more time to develop their theory. If they come up with anything, I'm sure they'll report to you. There is nothing I can do; I'm a doctor, not an exorcist! Kirk has overridden almost everything but my ability to practice medicine. I can't even restore my appearance or usual charming personality."**

"**Well, Doctor," Kathryn patted him on the arm, "I wouldn't be so fast to try and restore your personality, Kirk might have done you a favor there. Say, is your mobile emitter waterproof?"**

"**Yes, of course, why?"**

"**Damn! Oh, never mind!" She turned to Chakotay. "What am I going to do? What if he's still in my quarters waiting for me? Where can I hide?"**

**The Doctor smiled. "Captain, I can help you out there! I still have access to the computer to some extent and I can locate my mobile emitter. See, it's on holodeck one, I believe they are running Sandrine's this evening. As long as you and your com badge stay separated, the only way Kirk could find you would be to actually physically look for you. Why don't you spend the night in one of the empty guest quarters down on deck seven?"**

"**Excellent idea, Doctor! C'mon, Chakotay, let's go get our stuff and hide. We'll have someone take a note up to the bridge so they know where I am in case they need me. Thank you, Doctor!"**

"**No problem at all, Ma'am, for a good old country doctor! Goodnight." Kathryn and Chakotay left sickbay and took a surreptitious route back to Kathryn's quarters, both to avoid Kirk if he should be roaming the decks and to hide the fact she was sopping wet in her bathrobe. She punched her code into the door panel, but the light remained red. Chakotay tried, with the same results.**

**Kathryn hissed. "Computer, override lock, authorization Janeway pi alpha."**

**Unable to comply.**

"**Oh shit, that bastard! Now I can't even get into my quarters!"**

"**Relax, Kathryn, you still run the ship. Kirk has only disabled your command codes for the simple pleasures like coffee and door locks……and the ability to deactivate annoying holograms. Let's see if I can get into my quarters." Luckily Kirk had not disabled Chakotay's door and they slipped inside. Chakotay checked around. "It's OK, Kathryn, he's not here. Let me get you something to wear and grab my stuff and we'll get out of here and hide. Protest all you want, but I'm staying with you tonight; I'm not letting you out of my sight."**

"**No argument, Chakotay," Kathryn sighed as she hugged him. They gathered up their things and traveled to deck seven, largely by the Jeffries tubes. Once in the guest quarters they settled down for a glorious Kirk free night. **

**They awoke feeling refreshed, but Kathryn soon realized she had a new problem. "Chakotay, the replicator won't respond, I don't have anything to wear. I can't exactly go to the mess hall or up to the bridge in your T shirt."**

"**I dunno, Kathryn, I think it looks kinda cute on you! Why don't I go to the mess hall? Last time I was there, Neelix still had replicator access, so I can get him to get you a uniform. I'll bring it back and I'll also get us some breakfast; I know you need coffee."**

**Kathryn kissed him. "I knew there was a reason why I love you!"**

"**Just one? I'll be back as fast as I can. Don't let any strangers in here, OK?" Kathryn threw a pillow at him as he left.**

**After several cups of coffee Janeway and Chakotay departed from the guest quarters. Chakotay went to check in with the various department heads and Kathryn went to the bridge, afraid of what she would find there. She tentatively poked her head out of the turbolift.**

**Harry stood at attention. "It's safe, Captain, he isn't here."**

"**Thank heavens! Report, Captain Kim."**

"**Everything is fine, Captain. Kirk has not been up here this morning. Gamma shift reported he was up here looking for you last night, but he left and didn't come back. Last I heard he was in sick bay with the Doctor. By the way, I understand we have a 'new' Doctor and, by all accounts, he is much nicer than the old one. B'Elanna has managed a text only com system of sorts. If you go into the ship's lost and found memo board, you can use it to post and check for messages. It's crude, but at least we can still access that and it's better than running up or down decks to talk to someone."**

"**Excellent! I'll be in my ready room. Where's Tuvok?" Kathryn asked as she looked around the bridge. Harry shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't like him to be late. Send someone to go find him and send him in when he gets here and, remember, none of you have seen me."**

"**Yes, Ma'am!" replied the bridge crew in chorus.**

**Kathryn sat at her desk and scanned the morning reports, at least Kirk was not interfering in that aspect of Voyager's operations and Harry had prepared everything perfectly. She sent text messages to B'Elanna and Seven, asking them to report to the bridge. She had a message from Chakotay that he and a maintenance team were trying to get the door to her quarters open. The Doctor sent her a message that Kirk was in sick bay and was busy designing an Orion slave girl hologram that looked suspiciously like her. The door chime sounded and Tuvok entered, looking uncharacteristically disheveled.**

**Tuvok stood in front of her desk, weaving from side to side. "Captain, I regret my appearance, the admiral kept me detained in holodeck one all evening. I reported here immediately and have not had the opportunity to return to my quarters to attend to my appearance and personal hygiene."**

**Kathryn smiled. "It's alright, Tuvok, I'm just glad you're here. Please sit, it looks like you're having trouble standing. The admiral kept you in the holodeck all night?"**

"**Yes, Captain, he disabled my access to the doors, so I had little choice. After allowing the other crewmembers to leave, which of course they chose to do as soon as he arrived, he insisted that I stay and play three dimensional chess with him. We played eight games of chess and then he insisted upon teaching me a card game called Fizzbin. It is a most unusual game, apparently the rules are random and change at will; I was not able to master it. He then forced me to observe a holographic campfire and engage in a tradition known as roasting marsh melons and that we sing campfire songs. I do not like marsh melons nor do I like singing. The admiral kept singing until I consumed a large bowl of beans. They were quite good, actually, however I found the experience most tedious and illogical. Apparently I remind him of Captain Spock, however he said I was 'not as much fun as Spock.' Captain, are you familiar with 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'?"**

**Janeway gave Tuvok a look of sympathy. "Ahem! Yes, Tuvok, I am. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm sure the rest of the crew appreciates your sacrifice to keep the admiral occupied all evening; I know I certainly do. Tuvok, you're listing like a drunken sailor, did he force you to consume alcohol?"**

"**Not to my knowledge, Captain; he offered it, but I of course refused. I only consumed the marsh melons and the beans, however he did say that the beans were prepared with a 'secret ingredient.' Perhaps Mr. Neelix should get the recipe? The beans were certainly better than any he has prepared." **

**Well, I think I know what that 'secret ingredient' was! Why don't you go to your quarters and sleep it off? I'm sure we can manage without you for awhile and I know you have to be tired after all that."**

**Tuvok rose from his chair. "Indeed, Captain, I feel quite…… disoriented and I also have a headache. Perhaps I will go to sickbay to…."**

**Janeway interrupted him. "Kirk is in sick bay now. Perhaps you should just take a couple aspirin and have a couple cups of strong coffee and a nap?"**

"**Thank you, Captain, an excellent suggestion. I shall return at 1200 to relieve you for lunch, if that is satisfactory."**

**Janeway rose from her chair and patted Tuvok on the back as he departed. "That's fine, Tuvok, take all the time you need to ….. 'recover'." As he departed, Seven entered Janeway's ready room and stood in front of her desk. Kathryn took her seat, indicating that Seven should sit as well.**

"**I prefer to stand." replied Seven**

"**Why should today be any different? Seven, what's on your mind?" asked Janeway, slightly miffed that Seven had entered without being given permission.**

"**Captain, I am having difficulty with the ECH hologram. I have just returned from my regularly scheduled check up in sick bay and Kirk, that hologram, insisted on watching the entire procedure. He also asked if he could 'touch my implants' while the Doctor was in his office. Furthermore, he asked me questions of a very personal nature and he asked me some highly personal questions about you as well."**

**A look of concern bordering terror came across Janeway's face. "Seven, you didn't answer the questions, especially the ones about me, did you?"**

"**No, Captain, I was unable to as I have not observed you without clothing and I did not understand exactly what the activities he was enquiring about are, so I do not know if you enjoy them and I doubt some of them are even physically possible. Apparently he thought you and I might enjoy certain activities together and he wanted to enjoy them with us……"**

**Janeway cut in, "That's fine, Seven! Just do your best to ignore him; don't answer his questions and please figure out how to shut his program down."**

"**As you wish, Captain." said Seven as she exited the door.**

"**Dismissed!" Kathryn shouted as she threw her hands up in exasperation. The door chime sounded. "Come!" she barked, knowing that the journey from bad to worse seldom took long. Chakotay and B'Elanna entered. Kathryn smiled, "Tell me you shut him down."**

**Chakotay rubbed his chin and looked at her through his eyelashes, while inspecting his boots. "Well, I wish I could, Captain, but at least B'Elanna has a plan that looks promising."**

**B'Elanna handed Janeway a PADD and the three of them sat on her sofa. B'Elanna spoke. "Yes, Captain, take a look and see what you think. I'm pretty sure it will work, the only glitch is that it will shut down the entire holo emitter system and there's a risk that it won't work at all or, if it does, we could lose the EMH permanently as well."**

**Janeway scanned the PADD. "Well, I agree, this might work, but I don't like the risk to the EMH; we can't afford to lose the Doctor. Keep working on it, but I'm not willing to try it until you can assure me that there is absolutely no chance of losing the EMH program as well."**

**B'Elanna nodded her head in agreement. "That's what I thought you'd say, Captain. Do you want me to consult the Doctor and see if he has any suggestions to safeguard his program?"**

**Kathryn thought for a moment. "No, Kirk has made changes in him. He still appears to be our EMH, but for all we know, Kirk may now have him as an accomplice. So, until further notice, the EMH is to be out of the loop. Understood?"**

"**Yes, Ma'am." Chakotay and B'Elanna replied.**

**Kathryn rubbed her throbbing temples, cleared her throat and asked. "Do we know where he is right now?"**

**Words boiled out of B'Elanna. "That p'tahk was in engineering pestering me until Vorik got back- kept going on about a lace teddy bear or something. He latched onto Vorik like a Tiberian bat, insisting that they do some dumb ass thing on the holodeck with a walrus or something; how the hell should I know?- begging your pardon, Captain. I'm sorry, I'm angry. Anyhow I told Vorik to go with him and keep him on the holodeck, in the mess hall, anything, just keep him out of engineering! Trust me, Captain, if there is a way to shut him off, I will find it!"**

"**I'm sure you will, B'Elanna!" Kathryn said as she patted B'Elanna's arm. "Well, Chakotay, what do you have to report? Have you had a chance to……." She was interrupted by Kirk's arrival. "Oh shit, not again!" Kathryn sighed.**

"**Having a tea party and you didn't invite me?" Kirk lamented. "You people have absolutely no manners!"**

**B'Elanna rose and hissed "Kahless! You p'tahk, Qu'vatlh, Ha'DIbaH, piece of plaQta'…… You stay out of engineering!" She growled at him and left, slinging more Klingon epithets and spit on her way out.**

**Kirk smiled. "She's cute, but seems she doesn't like me? Well, I don't like her either; she bites."**

"**Good!" shouted Janeway as she got up and returned to her desk. "Get out of here, Kirk. Why don't you go save some whales or something? I think I saw one behind me in my bathtub last night."**

**Kirk went to stand beside her chair. "Katie, what do you say we go to the holodeck and get you out of that awful uniform and into something lacy……" Chakotay moved to stand behind Kirk. Kirk glared at him "Do you mind, you're cramping my style!"**

**Chakotay stood straight to emphasize that he was taller than Kirk. "Yes, I do mind!" Chakotay said as he poked him in the belly. "Leave Captain Janeway alone; she's busy! Can't you see that you annoy every member of this crew and serve no purpose other than to cause headaches and disrupt the ship's operations?"**

"**Well, Mr. Plumber, maybe you two should have thought of that before you had Ensign Wet Behind the Ears activate me! I'm here, I like it here and I'm staying. I also like Katie and that bodacious Borg babe you've got and I'm not used to taking no for an answer.**

**Janeway stood and stepped between Chakotay and Kirk. "Well, I'm used to giving no for an answer, Kirk, so you had better get used to hearing it! I'm also used to having my orders obeyed, so you had better get used to that too!"**

**Kirk puffed out his chest. "So, you think that you wear the pants around here, do you, Katie?"**

"**I do." Janeway defiantly crossed her arms over her chest.**

"**Yeah, right." Kirk grinned. "Well, you may think you wear the pants, Katie, but I know a few things about flying by the seat of my pants and your sidekick Chak here, his only talent seems to be getting into your pants." **

"**Well then," Kathryn glowered, "I guess he's one up on you, my dear admiral! Has it occurred to you that nobody on this ship likes you, they don't obey your orders and you're about as useless as a bar of soap on a Klingon Battle Cruiser?"**

**Kirk wrinkled his brow. "That was a low blow, Katie."**

**She dusted her hands off. "Well, so sorry to hit you where you think, Admiral, but my first officer and I have a ship to run. Chakotay, what do you say we go down to the cargo bays and check on the supplies?"**

"**After you, Captain." They walked towards the turbolift, leaving Kirk in the ready room. Chakotay caught Kathryn's arm, stopping her. "Kathryn, do you think it was such a good idea to tell Kirk we'd be in the cargo bays?"**

"**Yes," she replied, "Because we're going to the mess hall to meet with B'Elanna and Seven for lunch and see if they've come up with anything new." Kathryn whispered to Harry where they would be and that Tuvok should be back on the bridge by 1200 hours.  
**

**Kathryn and Chakotay joined Seven and B'Elanna in the serving line in the mess hall. Neelix, perpetually colorful and cheerful, plopped mounds of steaming lumpy gray goo onto their trays.**

**Kathryn looked at it, sniffed it and finally asked, "Mr. Neelix, what exactly is this?"**

"**Well, er, Captain, I don't rightly know, but, trust me, it tastes better than it looks."**

"**I should hope so," she replied. "Too bad holograms don't eat; we'd be able to run him off this ship in the wink of an eye."**

**The four sat at a table and poked at the gray goo. B'Elanna braved a forkful and spoke. "Someone should get a phaser and put this glop out of its misery; p'tahk on a platter!" She pushed her tray away and handed Janeway a PADD. "On a brighter note, I believe I have a viable solution to our problem. I've figured out how to manually insert a bug into each of Kirk's taps into the power grid to shut him out. What this program will do is create a cascade effect of ECH program failures. As each system fails and shuts him out, he will of course transfer himself to the next, but that will fail in turn and, when we get to the end of the chain, it's bye bye Admiral Kirk!"**

**Janeway smiled "That's brilliant, B'Elanna, but what about the EMH; how can we safeguard him?"**

"**Simple. We transfer him to the bridge, which will be the last holo system to fail, so he will be unaffected during the process. Kirk will experience momentary disruptions as the system cascades, but the Doctor will not. As the last system crashes, all the Doctor has to do is grab the mobile emitter and transfer his program to it as Kirk's is deleted. As long as the timing is right, it's perfectly safe and, once the cascade is initiated, Kirk won't be able to stop it. There is one problem though; it will take me about 15 or 20 minutes to manually insert the bugs into the various systems. During that period of time, Kirk needs to be kept totally distracted with some activity that will completely occupy him, engaging as many of his sensory receptors and subroutines as possible, so that he won't detect what I'm doing. Unfortunately, the only thing I can think of, since it's unlikely we can get him into a velocity or hover ball match on the holodeck, is, well, the same type of thing that would distract a flesh and blood male. Trust me, that kind of sensory input will make him totally unaware of what we're doing!"**

"**I see," said Janeway, "and I don't suppose you'd care to volunteer to be the 'distraction', B'Elanna?"**

"**Sorry, Captain, I'll be busy sticking the bugs into the system and, besides, he hates me. On the other hand, it seems he really likes you, Ma'am."**

**Janeway sighed. "Well, I suppose I'll have to make one of those sacrifices that they never told us about in Command School! We still have another problem, we're not 100 sure the EMH isn't in collusion with Kirk and obviously we're going to need his cooperation as he can't tell Kirk what we're up to and he has to be on the bridge at the right time to transfer his program to the mobile emitter. He'll have to transfer his program to the bridge himself as well since we no longer have control of his program."**

**Chakotay spoke. "What about a simple integrity test? Captain, why don't you go to sick bay and make a point of saying to the Doctor that you are going straight to your quarters to take a shower? If Kirk shows up, well then, you'll know the Doctor told him and, if he doesn't, you'll know he didn't tell Kirk something he'd certainly want to know."**

"**Sounds good, Chakotay. This lunch is excuse enough for a visit to sick bay, a complaint of nausea after eating in the mess hall certainly won't arouse suspicion. OK, everyone, we'll meet back here at 1400 to, hopefully, finalize our plans. Any questions? …… Good, dismissed."**

**They took their trays to the recycling station and Seven and B'Elanna left the mess hall. Chakotay got tea and Kathryn coffee and they sat back down at an out of the way table.**

**Chakotay sipped his tea as he spoke. "Kathryn, while I agree this plan looks like it will work, I am not so sure I feel comfortable with you being the distraction for Kirk."**

**Kathryn laughed. "So, you want to try it instead?"**

"**No, Kathryn, you know that's not what I'm saying. I know he's just a hologram, but you never know what he might do or expect you to do. The thought of him all over you, well, it just makes me sick!"**

"**Give me a little credit, Chakotay! Haven't I always been able to handle you tactfully when you got a little too 'overzealous'"?**

"**Yes, Kathryn, but there's a big difference. I love you and respect you, both as my friend and my commanding officer. To Kirk you're just another conquest, another notch in his proverbial bedpost, probably made all the more exciting because he knows you don't like him."**

"**Exactly, and that's what I'm counting on. When I give him the slightest little inkling that I might be willing, he'll get tunnel vision and be so focused on me that he won't be aware of what B'Elanna is doing. Trust me, Chakotay, I can handle him."**

**Chakotay discretely took her hand. "I trust you, Kathryn, it's him I don't trust. Well, you're looking a little green around the gills, so I think it's time you went down to sick bay to see if the Doctor is on our side. I'll wait for you back in your quarters, in case the Admiral and his raging holographic hormones show up."**

**Kathryn went to sick bay and had plenty of company, apparently Neelix's version of lunch had made more than a few crewmen queasy. The Doctor, now affectionately known as the McDoc, passed out the tea and sympathy, along with anti-nausea medications and quaint southern hospitality. If there was anything good to come out of the Kirk debacle, it was what an infusion of Dr. McCoy had done for the EMH. He was kind and compassionate and had a bedside manner that remedied illnesses almost as fast as the medications he dispensed. Kathryn made her point of saying that she was going back to her quarters to take a long hot shower and returned to find Chakotay waiting for her.**

**He stood and hugged her. "Did you bait the trap?"**

"**Oh yes, but I really think McDoc is on our side, so I don't expect any visitors. He had pity and replicated me a couple of cheese sandwiches, on dark bread with mustard, just the way you like them, so let's dig in. We need to discuss exactly how we are going to plan this thing out, we have to get Kirk and McDoc to the bridge at the right time and find a way to let B'Elanna know when to start and for her to let us know when she's finished and when to start the cascade. Obviously we need to let Harry know so he can bring the bridge crew up to speed. This can't fail, we have no plan B. I also have a couple other ideas up my sleeve to put the kibosh on Kirk."**

"**Great," said Chakotay as he dug in to his cheese sandwich. "I picked up a supply of PADDs, so we can make copies of the schedule for everyone. I would suggest we select a couple reliable crewmen as messengers, people who can get around the ship at warp speed. Vorik comes to mind, he knows every centimeter of this ship almost as well as B'Elanna does and he's fast and so is Nicoletti." Kathryn nodded her head in agreement. "We also need a way to make sure we can get Kirk up to the bridge at the right time, do you have any ideas about that?"**

"**Well, I guess the best thing would be for McDoc to send us a message where he is and I'll go get him and take him to my ready room. If he thinks he's going to get a piece of my action, I'm sure he'll follow me like a good little doggy."**

"**Oh, Kathryn, just make sure he doesn't get a piece of anything else!"**

"**Chakotay, for the last time, stop worrying! I'm supposed to be the mother hen around here! I can handle him; I handled Q didn't I? **

"**Oh yes, Kathryn, you can certainly outwit the omnipotent!"**

"**On that note, I think I will get back to the bridge and check in before our meeting." She rose from the sofa, but sat back down. "On second thought, I think it's better not to. If Kirk is there he'll follow me to the mess hall and we won't be able to have our meeting. Let's just hide here and draw up our battle plans, I have a few ideas of how to tweak them that I'm sure you'll approve of, my dear!"**

**Kathryn and Chakotay planned out the entire process, hopefully allowing for every possible contingency. Timing and communications were crucial, but with such thorough attention to detail, they were sure the plan would work and they would soon be rid of their worst nightmare. The meeting with Seven and B'Elanna in the mess hall went well and Kathryn went to sick bay to brief the McDoc on the plan while Chakotay briefed the bridge crew. The Doctor was optimistic as well. While he appreciated his newfound popularity courtesy of Kirk's modifications, the admiral had soon worn out his welcome and McCoy resented being a captive audience, confined to life without his mobile emitter. **

**Kathryn sighed. "Well, Doctor, I guess it's time for Operation Armageddon to begin. I never thought I'd say this, but I have a date with Admiral Kirk, so can you tell me where I can find him right now?"**

**McCoy consulted his computer. "Sorry to say, Captain, but he's in your quarters."**

"**Probably going through my underwear drawer, that pervert! Thank you, Doctor. Please wait for our signal and I'll see you on the bridge shortly I hope."**

"**Good luck, Captain, but please be careful, Jim really has an obsession for you, you know."**

"**Thank you, Doctor, but don't worry, I have an obsession too- getting him off my ship, and I have a few lumps of corbomite up my sleeve." Kathryn left sick bay and ran into Tuvok on the way to the turbolift. She told him the plan was about to be set into motion as she was on her way to her quarters to get Kirk and bring him to her ready room. Tuvok, always the consummate security officer, expressed his concern about Kathryn being in her quarters alone with Kirk, so she allowed him to accompany her, with the understanding he would take his station once they reached the bridge. **

**When they reached the door to her quarters it was open. Kathryn drew in a deep breath. "Tuvok, please wait here outside my door. If I need you, I will call you. When we come out, you can pretend that you've just arrived to look for me and then make sure we get to the bridge."**

"**Understood, Captain."**

**Kathryn entered her quarters. She could see that her desk and cupboards had been searched and the contents left in disarray. Swallowing hard she entered her bedroom and found Kirk lying on her bed. She was right about her underwear drawer, the contents were strewn about the room. Kirk sat up on the bed and tossed a pair of panties at her.**

"**Hi, Katie! I looked everywhere, but couldn't find your black lace teddy. I have to say your underwear isn't nearly as sexy as I would have hoped and my grandma had nightgowns more exciting than yours."**

**Kathryn bit her tongue. "I'm so sorry, I will have to replicate some better lingerie I guess."**

**Kirk patted the bed. "Join me?"**

"**I don't think so, Kirk. I have to be on the bridge in a few minutes- duty calls! If I don't show up, they will send someone to look for me. You know how it is when you're the captain, not a moment's rest! Do you think you could put everything back and straighten up my quarters? You made quite a mess!"**

**Kirk smiled. "Well, Katie, cleaning up after myself isn't exactly one of my many talents."**

"**Uh huh. Well then, I'll see you later." Kathryn said as she started for the door. Kirk didn't immediately follow her, so she swung her hips into sexy saunter mode. Kirk jumped right up and followed behind her. Kathryn giggled and thought to herself Chakotay was right- good doggy, Kirk! As they exited her quarters, she ran right into Tuvok. "Oh, Tuvok, this is a surprise!" she winked as they walked towards the turbolift.**

"**Uh, yes, Captain, of course it is. I was concerned you were not on the bridge, so I came here to look for you."**

"**Oh, how thoughtful of you, Tuvok!"**

**Kirk piped up, "He really is a party pooper, isn't he? Tuvok here gives dull a whole new dimension. You really should loosen up a bit, Tuvok."**

"**Yes, Admiral, I shall attempt to do so. Odd, the turbolift door seems to be malfunctioning." Tuvok accessed the control panel and opened the doors manually. As the doors opened, two people fell at his feet. Red faced at being caught in a compromising position by the captain and security officer, they jumped to their feet and hastily adjusted their clothing. Tuvok's face actually showed shock. He and Kirk stepped away a few paces, so they would be out of the line of fire; this was clearly a problem for the captain to handle.**

"**CHAKOTAY!" Kathryn gasped. "How could you, and with Seven? How could you?"**

**Chakotay pulled himself together. "It not what it looks like, Kathryn, I swear!"**

**Kathryn put her hands on her hips. "What it looks like to me is two half naked people going at each other like a couple of teenagers in heat. How do you explain that?"**

"**Captain," Seven interjected, "The commander and I were just engaging in ……"**

"**Stow it, Seven! After all I have done for you, I can't believe you would go behind my back like this. I thought I was your friend and here I catch you rubbing your…..implants all over Chakotay. Consider yourself confined to your alcove, you damn Borg bitch!" Totally flustered, Seven nodded and ran down the corridor. **

**Chakotay started to leave, but Kathryn stepped in front of him. "Not so fast you two timing bastard, you have some explaining to do, but I'm not about to have this conversation in the corridor- my ready room, NOW!" **

**Chakotay stepped onto the turbolift and Kathryn followed him, wiping a tear from her cheek, but trying to keep her head held high. Tuvok moved towards the door and Janeway nodded, so he stepped in too, followed by Kirk. They exited onto the bridge and Kathryn announced "The Commander and I will be in my ready room; I do not wish to be disturbed." They entered and Kathryn engaged the privacy lock. Kirk immediately disabled it and entered as well. Kathryn stared Kirk down. "This is a private little war and it's bound to get ugly, so I suggest you leave, Kirk!" **

"**Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world, Katie!"**

"**You damn bastard, but what the hell can I do about it? Suit yourself, Kirk!" Kathryn shouted. Chakotay stood in front of her desk and hung his head. Kathryn paced around to gather her thoughts and finally confronted him.**

"**Chakotay, how dare you do this to me, especially after you told me you loved me and respected me just a few hours ago?" Kathryn slapped him. "Why, Chakotay, why?"**

"**Oh, Kathryn, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for you to find out, well, not like that anyhow. I never meant to hurt or embarrass you."**

"**That's bullshit!" she huffed. "Just what did you think would be the way for me to find out that the man I spent last night with, the man that I thought loved me, was humping that Borg bimbo on the side? Here you were playing me like a fiddle and screwing her too? Oh you fucking bastard! How dare you?"**

"**Kathryn, I can explain." said Chakotay as he put his arms around her. She struggled to get away and he held her tighter to prevent it.**

**Kirk stepped in and separated them. "Chakotay, let go of her! Are you alright, Katie?" She nodded yes. "Look, Chak, I thought I was the biggest dick in the galaxy, but, man, you take the cake. Katie here is a good decent woman and a fantastic captain to boot and you two time her like this?"**

"**You stay out of this, Kirk!" Chakotay shouted. "As for good and decent, I caught that little bitch in here the other day ready to do you for a cup of coffee- or have you forgotten about that? She's not much of a captain either, she probably only got the job because she screwed the right people!"**

"**ARGH!" Kathryn screamed as she threw herself at Chakotay, fists flailing. Kirk stepped in between them to keep them separated. "Damn you, Chakotay! How dare you say such a thing?"**

**Chakotay smirked. "You're right, Kathryn, you're not that good in bed, so that must not be the entire reason you got this job." He turned to Kirk. "So, what did you think, Admiral? She's a pretty lousy roll in the hay, isn't she?"**

**Kirk struggled to keep them apart. "I wouldn't know! Try as I might, I never got anywhere with her."**

"**Well, you're probably the only Admiral that can make that claim, Kirk! Kathryn, take your holier than thou routine down a notch, I know about your little adventures in the Holodeck too."**

"**Chakotay, I was never unfaithful to you. If you think you're going to try to turn this thing around and pin it on me, think again! Why did you, Chakotay, why?"**

"**Isn't that obvious, Kathryn? Look at Seven, she's half your age and got a body that just doesn't quit. She gives me everything all your so called high morals and damn protocols and parameters wouldn't. You saw Seven, Kirk, don't you see my point?"**

**Kirk shook his head. "Quite frankly, I don't. Katie is an attractive woman and she possesses integrity and grace, things you obviously don't know much about, Commander."**

**Chakotay moved towards him, but Kirk held him at bay. "Kathryn, you were convenient; I just had to keep you happy because I needed your ship and your crew to get mine home. Yes, I used you and, when something better came along, I kept you as a guarantee that I would remain first officer and you were so lonely and desperate you fell for it. As for her 'integrity', Kirk, the plan was for her to bring you up here and throw herself at you to distract you while they tried to shut down your program. Oh yeah, Katie here would have had no problem doing that!"**

**Kathryn screamed and struggled to get at Chakotay. "You fucking bastard, I swear, I am going to kill you. You betray me like this and now you betray my ship as well?" She stopped struggling and Kirk let her go. Kathryn opened the doors and called for Tuvok to come in.**

"**Yes, Captain?"**

"**Mr. Tuvok, place Commander Chakotay under arrest."**

**Tuvok looked at her in disbelief. "Captain?"**

"**You heard me, take him to the brig, Tuvok. That's an order."**

"**Aye aye, Captain." said Tuvok as he stepped towards Chakotay.**

"**Oh, and, Tuvok, see that you put him in restraints as well," she smiled.**

**Chakotay looked Kathryn straight in the eyes. "Kathryn, you bitch!"**

**She slapped him hard again and went at him, pounding him with her fists. Tuvok took Chakotay by the arm and Kirk wrapped his arms around Kathryn to pull her off of Chakotay. Kirk shook her and tried to calm her down.**

**Tuvok spoke. "Admiral, perhaps I should summon the doctor? It appears Captain Janeway is in need of medical attention, a sedative perhaps?" Kirk nodded. "Tuvok to sick bay, medical emergency in the captain's ready room."**

**The doctor's voice responded immediately, "I'll be right there."**

"**Admiral, if you could stay with Captain Janeway, I will take the prisoner to the brig." Kirk nodded and took Kathryn to the sofa. Tuvok left with Chakotay in tow.**

**Kathryn sobbed into Kirk's shoulder. "Oh, I feel so betrayed, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have let him use me like that?"**

**Kirk patted her back. "Katie, it's OK, I'm here now and I'll take care of you. He didn't deserve you."**

**The Doctor appeared, went straight to Kathryn and scanned her with his tricorder. "Captain, what happened? These readings indicate that your heart rate and adrenaline level are significantly elevated and you appear to be under a great deal of emotional stress. Did the Admiral hurt you?"**

**Kathryn stood up and, as she did, Kirk momentarily flickered out of existence. She smiled. "I'm just fine, Doctor, but I think the admiral here is about to be very very sick!" Kathryn went to the door, stuck her head out and Chakotay entered her ready room. She put her arms around him and kissed him soundly on the lips.**

**Kirk was dazed as he flashed in and out of existence. "Katie, I don't understand! Bones, wh……what the hell is going on? Help me!"**

**McCoy snapped his tricorder shut. "Sorry, Jim, I'm afraid what you've got is fatal. I'm a doctor, not a program debugger."**

**Kathryn laughed and tossed her head. "Sorry, Kirk, I think you just fell for the oldest trick in the book, old man! You don't look so good and, if you thought you could take over my ship, well, you grossly underestimated us." Kathryn hugged Chakotay again. "I'm so sorry I said all those horrible things, but you have to admit I was pretty convincing, wasn't I?"**

"**I'll say, Kathryn, you missed your calling as an actress, but I think your performance gave me a black eye! Quite an ad lib there, my dear. I'm sorry too, I love you, it was so hard to talk to you like that; I would never say those things to you."**

**Kirk stammered, "What, it was all a r…rrr…ruse?"**

"**Hook, line and sinker!" boasted Kathryn as Kirk flashed out for an instant again, thanks to B'Elanna's cascade failure program. **

**Tuvok entered the room, scanned Kirk with his tricorder and nodded in satisfaction. "It appears the operation was successful, a cascade failure to the ECH system is imminent."**

**Kirk reached towards Tuvok. "Spock, help me, Spock."**

**Tuvok snapped his tricorder shut. "I am not Spock."**

**The doctor moved in with his tricorder. "Ten seconds until the final cascade."**

**Disoriented, Kirk groaned and mumbled, "Oh, no! Oh, I could have been a cop or a lawyer or had a good job with a margarine company, but nooooo, I had to be a starship captain! Oh, stop it, please don't do this; I can get you a discount on air fare and hotel rooms, Katieeee.…"**

"**Three, two one…" McCoy grabbed the holo emitter off Kirk as he pronounced, "You're dead, Jim." Kirk disappeared into nothingness as Kathryn and Chakotay let out a huge sigh of relief. McCoy then disappeared, leaving only the mobile emitter on the floor.**

**Janeway picked it up and hit her com badge, "Janeway to Engineering." **

"**Torres here, Captain."**

"**It worked, B'Elanna. Kirk is gone, but so is the doctor."**

"**Working…..give me a second, Captain……It's OK, the EMH's program should reinitialize momentarily. His mobile emitter is there, isn't it?"**

"**Yes."**

"**Well, just put it on the floor and step away, Ma'am." advised B'Elanna.**

**Kathryn did and the EMH appeared, in his usual surly bald form. "Please state the nature of the medical emergency."**

"**Got him, B'Elanna! Thanks for a job well done and please thank Seven for her Academy Award winning performance. Janeway out. There's no medical emergency, Doctor, are you OK?"**

"**Yes, Captain, I'm fine! Obviously I have been restored to my previous pristine default settings."**

**She touched him on the shoulder just to be sure. "Oh! …… What happened to Dr. McCoy?"**

"**He's dead, Janeway."**

**THE END**


End file.
